Hey dad,
How’s it going up there? I hope
you’re okay, I wish its better up there.
I actually don’t know why, it has been
months well 91 days to be exact but I am still grieving, still in pain but I’m
moving on. Almost three months and yet here I am still pretending that when I
dialed your phone number your usual “Kamusta nak ko?” or “Bakit baby ko?” would
greet me from the other line. Here I am feeling a bit down whenever I text your
old number and receive no reply. Here I am still listening to the old record of
our conversation last semester, conversing with it as if you’re really on the
other line. Here I am scared to travel back to our home town knowing that you
won’t be there to welcome me back. And here I am tearing up whenever I remind
myself that you’re really gone, because here I am still waiting for someone to
say that it’s all just a prank and you’re really alive.
I can’t
help but cry every time I remember those last 2 days we had. The last two days
of pain and of hope. Those last two days will forever be a part of my memories,
because those moments were the proof of how strong you were, of how hard you
strived to live. But daddy, you’re a cheater, you’re so unfair, but I’m really
thankful for that. We were supposed to make you smile even for the last few
hours of your life, but you did the opposite. You gave us hope even for the
last few hours of your life, you made sure that even for that final moment
you’ll see each of our smiles and hear our laughter. Your last 24 hours was a
miracle, it’s the greatest miracle that I had ever witnessed, and you made all
of that happen. Thank you so much daddy.
Until
now I still can’t believe you’re gone. I still can’t believe that the man who
wouldn’t dare lay a finger or even get mad his children is gone. I remember
when I was a little girl, every afternoon after school, mom and I used to go to
your office, I with my pigtails would be jumping excitedly as I ask you to pick
me up. The moment I’m up you’ll ask me what I want, the moment its uttered
we’ll be heading towards the grocery store and buy me my favorite siopao and
chuckie. Remember the time when my younger sister was born, you embraced me and
told me ‘you’ll always be my princess.’ Whenever I’m sick, you would always lie
down beside me singing that awful theme, but would always put me to sleep. How
about the times when you put me to bed, you’re already fast asleep and snoring
while I’m still up and playing? You spoiled me too much and gave me everything
I want without me asking, gosh I can’t deny that I was a daddy’s girl, I still
am and will always be.
As I
grew up I became less clingy, well school works are starting to pile up I
became less and less oriented, I usually would leave something at home. The
moment I texted you of what I left, you’d always have it in our school in less
than 15 minutes. And at times you’d call me and tell me, “Miss na kita anak ko,
akapin nga kita.” And we would cuddle for minutes. And when the three of us,
when me and my sisters are complete, we would always crowd on yours and mom’s
bed, and mom would usually get mad at us because there’s no space left for her.
Remember on my high school graduation? You were really smiling wide when I
received all my medals and diploma, well dad all of those are for you.
Back
then whenever I walked inside our campus, everything seems insignificant, now
every time I pass those gates, I remember the time when you accompanied me for
my entrance exam, enrollment, and even when I checked in on the university
dorms…. Yeah, you were always with me on my first few steps.
Dad,
you did a lot of things for me that other people would never ever realize would
be the impact on me. On the sixth of January 2011, otherwise known as my
Birthday, well 12th to be exact, the doctor diagnosed you with
Abdominal and thoracic Aortic aneurysm, and was told that most probably you’ll
live or 5 more years. I hadn’t known that back then, you never told us. I was
mad? No, well a bit left out but if I had known that I would’ve been too scared
to celebrate my birthday, to the point that I’ll never ever want to celebrate
my birthday. The moment I left the hospital and arrived at our house, less than
a street away, you went into arrest. I can’t believe that even on your last
moments you made sure that I wouldn’t see you suffering while gasping for your
last breath. People would say you did that because I’m a cry baby, but I know,
I know why you did that. You did that to spare me from seeing you in pain.
You’ll
never see me get receive my college diploma, won’t witness me pass the board
exams, won’t see me accomplish all the plans that we made for the both of us,
won’t see me build my own family, won’t get to walk me in the aisle when I get
married nor be there to meet your grandkids from me, but daddy even when you’re
not there physically, I know you’re always with me… I know you’re watching me
from someplace else, and you’re happy and proud seeing me become the woman that
you had visualized me to become. You’ll never get the chance to meet my kids
but I’ll make sure that they know of you and how you had treated us and loved
us from the bottom of your heart.
Thank
you daddy… I miss you… I love you always and forever. Knowing how my life would
turn out, even for how many times that I’d be asked… I’ll always choose to
become your daughter.
AVY
9/21/15
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